


About the Dark

by writerforlife



Series: Conversations [1]
Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Claustrophobia, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 16:50:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5935762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writerforlife/pseuds/writerforlife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Getting stuck in a lift makes a part of Baz's past that he would like to forget resurface. Simon isn't sure how to help, and Baz isn't sure if Simon can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	About the Dark

**Author's Note:**

> There are so many conversations I think Simon and Baz need to have, so this is the first of a series following those conversations and how they pop up.

****_ Simon _

When I’m in an lift, I never think, ‘Hey, what if the lift stopped and I was trapped for hours?’ I knew it could happen, but it didn’t cross my mind. Then again, there isn’t much I like to think about. Penny is typically a safe topic; Baz is most of the time. My wings and tails are usually a no; my magic (or lack of it) is strictly off-topics, although it seems to be a favorite topic of my therapist’s.

So when the lift comes to a stop with a jolt and Baz and I fly forward, I am thoroughly entertained because I never thought of that happening. I wait for it to start moving again, but the only thing that happens is that the lights flicker and go out. We stand in silent for a few moments, waiting to see if anything will happen, but it becomes clear that we are going absolutely nowhere.

**_This little light of mine_ ** , Baz says, and a little floating ball of bright light appears and drifts to the top of the lift. At least we aren’t standing in complete darkness anymore.

“What do you think happened?” I whisper to Baz.

“Why are you whispering? We’re the only two people in here,” Baz replies. Something is slightly off about his voice. It’s a little higher than its usual baritone, and also the tone he uses when he’s nervous (which isn’t often, but still). “Probably just an electrical malfunction.”

“Isn’t there some sort of spell for fixing this?”

“Sure, I’ll just whip out the one that entirely repairs an entire mechanical system. I use it everyday.”

“Alright, alright. How long do you think it will take?” Baz, who usually has no problems articulating and expressing himself, merely shrugs. We fall into silence, and I glance over at Baz. Although it could just be because of the whole vampire thing, he looks really pale, much paler than usual, plus his hands are trembling ever so slightly. He’s trying to hide it by putting them behind his back, but he’s also chewing on his bottom lip. I know him too well for him to hide anything from me. Something has got him off.

“Did you drink today?” I ask gently.

He starts, but doesn’t immediately snap at me. “Yeah, yeah I did. Why?”

“No reason,” I lie. “You just seem a little jittery.”

“I’m fine, Snow.” He raises his head slightly and puts his still hands in front of him.

I’m still not convinced.

_ Baz _

When the lift stopped, it felt like my heart stopped, too. I mean, I’m technically dead, but still. Then when the lights went out, I forgot how to breathe. The walls were too close and the light was too far away. I managed to cast a spell for light and answer Snow’s questions, but other than that, I was panicking.

It was all too familiar - a dark, enclosed space with little room to breathe or think let alone move around.

He asks me if I have had blood today, relating my shakiness with that, but that wasn’t the issue. No, that wasn’t the issue at all. I try to keep a hold of myself because I don’t want him to see me afraid and primal. That side of me is something he has already seen once and something I don’t want to burden him with now, especially with all the difficulty he’s going through with his magic.

Snow sighs, runs a hand through his golden curls, and sits down, his back leaning against the wall. “How long do you think it’ll take for someone to get us out of here? I’ve heard that it can take hours. I think I would starve.” He laughs, but I barely manage a grimace.

I decide pacing would be the best solution, so I walk back and forward, back and forward in this small lift. I can feel his eyes on me, following me.

“Are you alright?” he finally asks after a few moments.

“Fine,” I snap. It’s strange. For as unperceptive as Snow is, he’s strangely perceptive when it comes to me. I don’t know how I feel about it.

“You sure there isn’t anything wrong?”

“Absolutely positive,” I lie. I lie because he doesn’t know about the Numpties and that godforsaken coffin and I don’t want to burden him with that knowledge.

Dating Snow is an interesting balance. We communicate in our own certain way. There are days where he’ll cling to me and won’t let go, and there are days where he’ll go into his room and won’t come out when me or Bunce asks. I can usually predict which day will be which because I know him better than myself. There are most certainly things I haven’t told him and maybe will never tell him, my time with the Numpties being one of them. We are complicated people with a complicated past, and we both know that, so the arrangement works.

_ Simon _

Something is wrong, I can tell. We’ve been in the bloody lift for nearly three hours, now, and Baz just stopped pacing. I think it’s because he got dizzy, for when he sits down next to me, he holds his head in his hands for the briefest moments.

“I hate this,” he mutters. He leans into me, so I wrap an arm around him. Usually, he doesn’t let me do stuff like that when we aren’t being soft with each other, so I know something is up. I don’t push the issue, though. I’ll take any chance I get to hold him.

“Same here,” I replied, pushing his hair away from his face. “But it will be over soon, I promise.”

But the minutes run together until we’ve been sitting there for two more hours, five in total, and he is nearly catatonic. I figured out pretty quickly that he didn’t want to talk, so I just sat with him quietly.

When we hit the six hour mark, the lift jolts, and I leap to my feet. “It’s moving!” I shout. I pull him up and kiss him. “See, we’re good.” His face remains passive, but he manages a little smile. Upon getting out of the elevator, we are met with engineers and management all apologizing. I wave them off and say it’s no big deal, but Baz just kind of glares at them. When it’s polite, we leave.

Baz inhales deeply when we step outside. It’s well past dinnertime, so traffic isn’t that bad and the nightlife people are out walking. “Do you want to go somewhere for dinner?”

“I would prefer takeout,” he replies, and that is the first warning bell that something isn’t quite right. He usually loves going and sitting down at a nice restaurant with me. However, I’m not opposed to it. Food is food.

“Alright.” We stop at a Thai place, grabbing Penny’s usual, too, and then head back to my apartment. When we walk through the door, Penny practically pounces on us.

“Where in the world were you two?” She asks, trailing after me as I walk to the kitchen with the takeout bag. “I called and called.”

“Stuck in a lift with no signal,” I reply, rolling my eyes. “For six hours. Must be what a coffin is like.” She laughs, but stops when a mug crashes to the ground. I whip around, and Baz is staring at the shattered pieces of glass.  **_I will try to fix you_ ** , Baz mutters, and the mug becomes whole again.

“You okay?” Penny asks, and he rolls his eyes.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” She looks at me, and I shrug. I don’t know what’s going on.

_ Baz _

Dinner is positively torturous. I can’t stop thinking about how much the lift was like that damned coffin and Bunce’s comment, while joking, just made it worse. Plus, Snow and Bunce won’t stop staring at me like I’m about to break at any moment. Which I’m not.

“I’m turning in for the night,” I announce once all the dishes are cleared.

“You sure?” Snow asks.

“I know when I want to go to bed,” I snap. I storm into Snow’s bedroom and change into my pajamas that are in the bottom drawer of his dresser, then get into bed. I decide to keep the lights on. I really am tired, I just don’t know if I can sleep.

The coffin I was kept it was barely big enough for me. It was terrible lying there, unable to even turn onto my side or move my arms around or take care of an itch or do anything but stare at the wood above me. I would have gone mad if I hadn’t thought of Snow. I held onto him like a drowning man would hold onto a floatation device.

So as I try to go to sleep, I picture him in my mind. Golden curls. Blue eyes. Moles and freckles. Entirely mine.

_ Simon _

Penny and I sit on the couch watching crap telly. Well, she’s watching crap telly. I’m staring at my closed bedroom door and thinking about how pale and unsettled Baz looked in the lift.

“Are you sure Baz is okay?” Penny asks, pulling me out of my thoughts. “He looked a little shaken.”

“I don’t know, Penny.”

“Well, maybe he’s claustrophobic or afraid of the dark or something.”

“Nah, I would know.” Both of those are way too ordinary for Baz, and besides, I would know.

“Did you try talking to him?”

“Um.”  The thing is, Baz and I don’t talk much sometimes. I mean, of course we talk. We talk about our days and school and what takeout we should get and what to watch. We talk about ourselves and how I still like cherry scones and how we have to get Baz’s blood from that one certain butcher (when he found that he could discreetly buy blood from butchers, he was over the moon). What we don’t talk about, though, is the past. We don’t talk about the past: the seven years we spent as roommates at Watford before we got together, how he tried to kill me, how I followed his every move. We don’t talk about my wings and tail, we don’t talk about my magic. I know there are things in his past that still give him troubles, but I haven’t really asked. Maybe I should. “I could try?” I stifle a yawn.

She smiles at me. “Goodnight, Simon.”

I nod and stumble off to my bedrooms. The lights are on, but when I check the bed, Baz is asleep on his side. He’s curled up, which I find completely adorable given his height. However, his face is still troubled. I sigh. Maybe he’ll tell me what’s wrong in the morning.

I take off my clothes and put on pajama bottoms, then I take off the necklace Penny and Baz made that keeps my wings and tail invisible whenever I wear it. It’s something that lasts through the day, plus I got so used to wearing my cross that wearing a necklace feels natural, especially because I can’t exactly wear my cross.

When I get into bed, I try not to wake Baz, but press a gentle kiss to the side of his head and curl around him.

The next thing I know, Baz is thrashing in my arms and moaning.

_ Baz _

I’m back in the cave with the Numpties, except this time, Snow is there. He’s smiling cruelly, and the coffin in right behind me.

“In you go, Pitch,” he says in a cold voice, and pushes me into the coffin. I fight and struggle, even consider biting him, but I couldn’t. He could be torturing me, drowning me, stabbing me, but I would never bite him. Never.

“Snow! Simon, please,” I beg, sobbing, but he pushes me into the coffin and stares down at me with icy blue eyes.

“I never loved you. Did you really think I could? Do you really think anyone could love a vampire.” He slams the lid closed, and I’m trapped again. The sides are closing in on me, suffocating me  until I can’t -

“Baz! Baz, love, wake up. Love, it’s okay, it’s okay. It’s okay, love, please wake up.” My eyes snap open, and Snow, the real Snow, is leaning over me with so much love in his eyes that it’s overflowing. I sit up, and realize that I’ve kicked all the blankets off and I’m dripping with sweat. I reach up to push my hair away, but there’s something wrong with my mouth. I go hot, and then cold, when I realize my fangs are out.

“Simon. Tell me I didn’t bite you,” I whisper, feeling more disgusted with myself than I have in ages. How can he tell me I’m not a monster?

“No, you didn’t, don’t worry.” He smooths away hair from my face and kisses my forehead, and that’s when I break. I’m pathetic, I know it, but I lean into him and let him hold while I sob. He’s the one thing I have to hold onto.

_ Simon _

The thrashing and moaning starts off subtle. He’ll do that sometimes, and I know I do, too. We both have nightmares, which is perfectly understandable. This one is weird, though. He doesn’t wake up when I shake him slightly. Instead, he pushes me away and cries out.

“Baz?” He screams and thrashes around again, and I try to hold him against my chest so he won’t hurt himself. However, he pushes me away, and his fangs pop out. I don’t back away. I know he won’t bite me. I have absolute faith in him, so I just urge him to come back to me.

When he wakes up, I’m entirely relieved, but he’s panting and trembling. When he feels his fangs, he starts crying even harder, so I pull him close to me and let him cry against my chest. His entire body shakes; he is inconsolable. I kiss him and whisper in his ear and promise him that he’s safe, but I know so little. His dream could have been about anything.

Finally, his breaths even out, and he pulls away from me. He won’t make eye contact with me. “I apologize,” he murmurs, and lays down flat on his back.

“For what?” I whisper, laying down on my side next to him.

“That monstrosity.”

“What was it about?”

“Nothing.”

“Baz.” I struggle to find the right words while he stares at me with one eyebrow raised. It would look smug and clever, but with his red-rimmed eyes and runny nose, it just looks a little sad. “We need to start talking to each other.” I inhale. “There aren’t many people I trust in this world. I trust Penny, and I trust you. We need to communicate and trust each other. No more secrets and sneaking around. Please, let me help you.”

_ Baz _

It’s because he’s looking at me with blue eyes and bedhead and his wings spread out. It’s because his eyes are filled with sleep. It’s because I could have bit him and killed him, or worse for someone who is so alive, turned him. It’s because he isn’t scared of me and held me while I sobbed. It’s because he’s Simon Snow and I love him that I tell him.

“When I was kidnapped by Numpties… I told you about that, right?”

“You mentioned it.”

“Well, they kidnapped me, and honestly they were too stupid to do much, but… but they kept me in a coffin.”

His eyes go wide and his expression resembles the face he used to make before he went off. “How long?”

I shy away from him. He grabs my hand.

“How long, Baz?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“ _ Baz.” _

“Six weeks.”

He stares at me blankly for a moment, then gets out of the bed and paces around with his hands on the back of his neck and his tail slashing around.

“Simon?” I sit up. “I-”

“I’m not mad at you,” he blurts out. He rushes back over to the bed and takes both of my hands in his. “I’m going to kill them all. I’m going to find the Numpties who did that to you and fucking tear them apart with my bare hands.”

“They didn’t know, they thought they were being -”

“No.” He runs his hand through his hair. “Oh, God, that’s why you were so upset in the elevator today. It reminded you of… that.”

“Yeah.” I shrug. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Yes, yes it is.” He sighs and stares at me like he’s never seen me before. “I’m sorry.”

For once in my life, I can’t find the words to express myself to Snow. He’s all I’ve ever wanted and more. “I love you,” I whisper, and kiss him softly. He puts his hands on either side of my head and kisses me with so much love that it makes me light-headed.

“Can you sleep?” he asks me.

I yawn as my response and lay back again. He holds me, and I’m lulled to sleep by the sound of his breathing.

_ Simon _

I stare at Baz, shaken by what he just told me. They kept him in a coffin. A coffin. He may be a vampire, but he’s alive. He doesn’t belong in a coffin. He’s sleeping peacefully, now, in my arms, the place he should be. I love him.

Even though he fell asleep with ease, I’m wide awake. God, why did we waste so much time? I wish I could have saved him from that, but I will be here to help him heal. I kiss him, and then go on my phone.

I have some plans to make.

_ Baz _

“Snow, you have to tell me where we’re going. You know you can’t keep secrets.”

“Hush,” he smiles, and briefly takes his eyes off the road to smile at me.

This morning, he woke me up by kissing me and telling me to get ready. When I came out to the kitchen, Penny was grinning at me and offering a basket full of food. I took the basket and found Snow sitting in the driver’s seat. He told me to get in, and we’ve been driving for about an hour.

“Okay, close your eyes,” he says with a smile on his face.

I oblige, and the car comes to a stop in about two minutes. I have no clue where we are.

“Keep your eyes closed.” The driver's’ side door slams shut, and then my door opens. “Do you trust me?”

“Of course.” He puts an arm around my waist and leads me for a couple steps, then he lets go of me. I hear him walk around for a moment, then he pokes me in the belly.

“Open your eyes,” he whispers. I listen, and all the sudden, all I can see is open space, flowers, blue sky, and green grass. The clouds are white and fluffy against the richness of the sky, and suddenly, I can breathe perfectly. I turn around to face Snow, and he’s laid out a red blanket and opened the basket of food and is sitting on it. 

“Picnic?” he offers. “Nice, open space. I don’t know, I thought you may like it.” His face turns red. I immediately kneel down and kiss him, trying to put all my feelings into that one kiss. He must understand, for when I pull away, his eyes are bright.

“Love you,” he whispers as I hand him a sandwich.

I can’t help but smile. “I love you, too.”

  
  
  
  



End file.
